I used to be a fighter. A grudge-holder. An “I’m going to shout at you until you get the point because I’m angry and it’s my right to tell you about it!” kind of gal.
Notice I said I used to be…
I was raised by some fiery, hot-tempered people. I love my family for their to-the-point, no bullshit attitudes regarding relationships and personal interactions; I believe standing up for yourself is extremely important! Letting someone know when they’ve done something to upset you can be healthy and cathartic!
However, shouting in someone’s face is disrespectful and counterproductive, no matter how justified it may feel at the time. It took some real contemplation and growing up on my part to recognize the difference between those two kinds of behavior, and a heated shouting match with a loved one yesterday to remind me of all the work I still have to do.
In hindsight, I admit tossing my earnest yet completely unprepared self in to the ring with two Tasmanian devils in the process of tearing each other apart was a bad idea, lesson learned, but when you hear two people you care about yelling for 30 minutes without coming to a resolution, it’s hard not to step in and try to help…
(This purpose of this post is not to vent or rant about the experience so I’ll spare you the gory details.) Sufficed to say, I went in with my purest and most peaceful intentions and left crying, personally insulted and poisoned with venomous anger. My thoughts ran wild, ping-ponging from one judgement to the next, metastasizing the negatives; I wilted under my frustration until it was all I could feel.
I felt itchy and hot and like I wanted to punch something. I felt like screaming. I felt like walking back in and shouting out my two cents on the whole debacle and then walking out forever. I wanted to be right. I wanted to win.
And then it hit me like a brick in the face: as my anger continued to spiral out of control, growing and consuming all other thoughts in its path- I was completely relinquishing my inner sense of peace. And for what?! My desire to remain justified in holding on to my anger was preventing me from attaining what I truly wanted at that point, a peaceful afternoon of hula hooping in the sun.
I was still angry. Only now I could see the edges of my anger, and as breathed I peeled them back slowly. I could see my anger was simply a patina- a flashy topcoat over the real issues: my feelings had been hurt, my lifestyle had been insulted and I was feeling very sad and wounded.
This personal revelation was huge for me. If I can see this truth in myself, could the same be true for others? Unanimously, might anger often be a shallow mask for deeper, more painful, difficult to express emotions like fear and sadness?
Anger is not inherently bad. In fact, I strictly avoid measuring emotional states qualitatively. I believe all emotions are needed to navigate this human experience, (although not all yield equally constructive outcomes)…
Sometimes letting go of anger is about being selfish (in a good way). Being able to say “Ha! You know what, even though I think you deserve it, I’m not going to stay mad at you. I won’t give you the satisfaction of keeping myself in a bad mood!” and meaning it can do wonders.
Honestly my heart still hurts. Cruel things were said that unfortunately will never be unsaid (beware the price one pays to “win” an argument). I have not received any form of apology, though I have already forgiven which has brought peace to my heart.
My spirit feels heavy with many lessons… I’ve seen what blind anger looks like, I’ve been the recipient of rage and I have reaffirmed these personal truths:
I do not want to embody the characteristics of an angry person in my interactions with others, even when I’m actually, really angry. I do not engage in shouting matches and it’s OK to walk away when someone is behaving in a way dis-aligned with the achievement of a constructive outcome.
In sharing this story my hope is influence you to pause your day and think for a moment- to thoughtfully examine your anger and what purpose it serves you. If you’re holding on to something that doesn’t help you, maybe it’s time to let it go…
Be well, ea
